


Ruby

by Rigorsamsa



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Blood, Depression, M/M, OCD, Schizophrenia, Suicide, Synesthesia, stay safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 08:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11848227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rigorsamsa/pseuds/Rigorsamsa
Summary: He did not like being called honey. He did not like honey. His mother’s voice tasted like honey. He did not like his mother. He did not like being called honey.





	Ruby

* * *

Flashback.

_Blood. Crying. Blood. Shrieking. Blood._

_“Tyler unlock the door,” The Mother cries with desperation, “Tyler please!”_

_“He’s bleeding mommy!” Tyler screams, “He’s bleeding from his eyes and his mouth and his ears!”_

_“Tyler unlock the door,” The Father’s voice is the darkest parts of the ocean. Autumn leaves crunching under adult shoes. The colors Monday brings._

_“He’s coming towards me.” Tyler whispers._

_The Mother cries. Her hands shake violently. She falls to her knees._

_“MOMMY HELP ME! HELP ME! HE’S SUFFOCATING ME MOMMY! MOMMY PLEASE!”_

_“Move back.”The Father says. The mother stays still. “BACK!”_

_Bang._

_The door is open. The screaming stops. Tyler sits in the bathtub rocking back and forth. His arms are covered in blood. The father inhales sharply. A tear runs down the mother’s cheek and settles in the hollows of her collar bones._

_“Tyler,” The Mother says, a melancholy tone coats her voice like honey, “Tyler no one is here.”_

 End Flashback.

***

Tyler sits on the edge of his bed chewing on the nail of his pointer finger on his right hand and tapping his left foot on the floor. He watches the clock across the room intently waiting for The Nurse to come in for wake up call.

“Off center off center the clock is off center.” Tyler muttered under his breath when he first got there a few months ago.

“What was the honey?” The Nurse asked politely.

“Nothing.” Tyler replied.

He shook his head violently as she turned around. He did not like being called honey. He did not like honey. His mother’s voice tasted like honey. He did not like his mother. He did not like being called honey.

Tyler snaps out of his trance when he hears the door handle click open and sees The Nurse standing there with a smile plastered on her face. Tyler glances at the clock again. She is one minute and twenty three seconds late. _His brother was two hours thirty eight minutes and 46 seconds late_. Tyler shakes his head as hard as he can then walks out of the room.

In the hallway are the other patients on Tyler’s floor. Their eyes are filled with broken glass and most of their hands are shaking; indicating that by 6:42 am the cold inside their minds has already consumed them. Tyler stares at the white tiles on the walls. He spent two hours counting them one day, starting over each time he thought he missed one.

“Tyler.” The Nurse says a little too loudly.

He flinches and stuffs his hands into the pockets of his skeleton hoodie as he walks towards her.

“How are you today Ty?” She asks enthusiastically.

 _She has an eyelash on her cheek_. He thinks.

“Fine,” Tyler replies, reaching up and grabbing the eyelash. He just can’t stop himself.

They walk into The Nurse’s office and Tyler steps onto the scale.

“You’ve lost three pounds Tyler,” she says worriedly, “have you been eating?”

“Yes.” He replies unconvincingly.

“Tyler you’re looking very thin honey.”

Tyler shakes his head again viciously.

_Stop saying honey. Stop saying my name. I am not honey. I am not my name._

She hands him three pills and he swallows them without protest. He’s too tired to protest anymore. Tyler is always tired.

He leaves her office and heads towards the music room. He runs his left hand over two brown doors before he reaches the red one. When he asked The Therapist if they could paint it red he was initially alarmed. Red was angry. Red was bad. Therefore Tyler was angry. Therefore Tyler was bad. He relaxed once Tyler explained how his favorite color was now red because his brothers favorite flowers are (were) red roses. He wanted the door to the music room to be red because Tyler liked red and Tyler liked music. It was cathartic for him. It made his brain seem orderly. Tyler needed order. Tyler needed the music room. Together they painted the door red. Sixteen coats of red to be exact. It was red and his brothers favorite flowers are (were) red roses and his brother died at the age of sixteen. The Therapist did not know this however. Tyler just told him it didn't feel right after the first coat or the eighth or the fifteenth. He said it didn't have enough order. The Therapist asked Tyler if he took his pills that morning. Tyler told him, “it just needs one more coat.”

Tyler opens the door to the music room, walks inside, and closes it making sure to hear it click.

 _The handle was warm_. He thinks to himself.

No one else came into the music room. Everyone knew it was Tyler’s safe space. He looks around the room. Empty. He shakes his head and snaps the rubber band on his wrist until it goes numb but he still can’t shake the uneasy feeling that has engraved itself into his bones. Someone was in here. Someone dirty. Someone grimy. Someone filthy. Tyler feels the dirt in the air. It is crawling all over him, burrowing itself into his skin, becoming a part of him. Tyler is dirty. Oh he’s so so fucking dirty. So dirty and he can never ever be clean. The dirt is in his skin and then his veins and then immersing itself into his bloodstream. Flowers blossom in his stomach and spread up his throat, suffocating him. Tyler gasps for air but there is just too much dirt and too many flowers crowding his lungs. As he falls to the ground he wonders if they are red roses.

***

Tyler wakes up surrounded by white. White walls, white tables, white sheets, white lights.

“How we doing?” A voice behind him asks.

“Alright,” he replies realizing he is back in The Nurse’s office, “how long have I been here?”

“About fifteen minutes, someone dropped you off. Left you right here on this cot.”

“Someone brought me here?” Tyler asks, sounding disoriented like trees whispering or rain falling up.

“Yes I assume so I didn’t quite see who it was.”

Tyler digs his nails into his wrists at the thought of someone else touching him. His hands begin to feel funny and Tyler realizes his skin is slowly melting off them. He can see the bones in his hands and he wiggles his fingers to try to regain a sense of reality. Instead the rest of his skin begins to melt off as well disintegrating as it reaches the floor. Tyler opens his mouth to cry out for help but he is silenced when hundreds of spiders begin to crawl from the back of his throat. They move down his neck, around his shoulders, through his ribcage and soon they consume his entire body. The room around him begins to spin and he can faintly hear someone calling his name.

“Don’t try the honey.” Tyler says laughing as he falls onto the floor.

He wakes up again on the floor of The Nurse’s office. The Nurse is there along with a security guard, The Therapist, and a boy with bright red hair that Tyler has never seen before.

“Are you okay Tyler?” The Therapist asks with concern.

Tyler forcefully shakes his head in response. The security guard and red boy reach down to help lift him off the ground but Tyler backs out of their reach.

“DON’T TOUCH!” He screams before he darts out of the room.

In the hallway Tyler realizes he stood up too fast and the room is spinning again. He leans back against the wall and slides down until he is sitting on the floor. He puts his head between his knees as an attempt to block out The Nurse’s and The Therapist’s conversation he has heard hundreds of times before.

“..taking his medication?”

“yes every mor…”

“Don’t know what to…”

“… call his parents.”

Suddenly Tyler feels a presence in front of him and he guesses The Therapist has come to “suggest” they have a talk in his office. He sighs deeply and lifts his head but to his surprise it is not The Therapist standing there it front of him. It’s the red boy.

“Hi.” The red boy says running his hands through his hair.

Tyler doesn’t respond. He doesn’t know what to say. The last time he had a real conversation with someone his own age was… well… before the accident.

“I know you speak,” the red boy teases, “I just heard you a few minutes ago.”

Tyler feels as though his voice has been removed entirely. His hands begin to shake and the red boys eyes widen in response.

“Oh man I didn’t mean to scare you it’s just…” the red boy begins rambling, “I’m Josh and I saw you in that one room with the red door with the music stuff and you were kinda freaking out you know and then you fainted and I was like “oh no” you know and so i took you to the nurses office cause I couldn’t like just leave you there and then I left and then I thought that well maybe I shoulda stayed you know so I went back and you said something about honey and fainted AGAIN and so…”

“Why is your hair red?” Tyler cuts him off.

“What?” Josh asks sounding surprised at Tyler’s sudden interest in his hair.

“Your hair. It’s red right?”

“Oh yes! Uh… it’s my favorite color and so um I thought I wanted to become it.”

“Red is my favorite color too”, Tyler responds, “but I don’t want to become it.”

“That’s okay.”

Josh begins to laugh and it is one of the most beautiful sounds Tyler has ever heard. The laughter turns into butterflies erupting from Josh’s mouth and Tyler almost reaches out to grab one. Until he remembers they aren’t actually there. Still he wishes he could keep Josh’s laughter in a jar and open it every time he is sad. Tyler smiles at the thought.

“Tyler.” Someone says forcing him away from his beautiful fantasy.

He looks up to see The Therapist standing there next to the red b… Josh.

“Why don’t you come into my office Ty? We can talk a little about what happened okay?”

Tyler cringes at the sound of the nickname. The nickname every person called him after the car accident.

“He loved you Ty.”

“It’s gonna be okay Ty.”

“How you doing Ty?”

It was a nickname born from pity not love and Tyler knew it. However when The Therapist holds out a hand to help Tyler up he takes it without a word. Josh moves to the side to allow Tyler to get through. As they begin to move towards The Therapist’s office a melancholy feeling overcomes Tyler until suddenly a reassuring touch is placed on the small of his back. A touch that makes him feel comforted rather than suffocated. Something he has never experienced before. He looks behind him but to his surprise Josh is gone and he wonders if the Red Boy had ever really existed at all.

“So Tyler,” The Therapist begins, “Why don’t you tell me what happened earlier.”

“Nothing happened.”

“Tyler you fainted twice. Are you not feeling well? Are you eating enough? Was it another panic attack?”

Tyler shakes his head overwhelmed by all the questions.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bombard you I just want to help you and I can’t do that unless you tell me what got you worked up.”

Tyler takes a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth.

“I thought someone came into the music room.”

“And that upset you?”

Tyler involuntarily rolls his eyes at the question.

“Yes. Yes it upset me,” Tyler begins, “I told you many times I don’t like it when other people touch my things.”

“Well, that’s understandable Tyler, but passing out simply because someone may have touched something of yours is not safe. We need to find a way for you to deal with your emotions in a healthy way.”

“People could stay away from my things.” Tyler replies.

“That’s not being helpful Tyler. Why don’t you try journaling when you start to feel overwhelmed?”

“I can’t whip out a journal when i’m unconscious.”

The Therapist sighs. “I meant before the fainting Tyler. I know it’s hard to regain a sense of reality when an anxiety attack takes over you but I think journaling will be…”

“Cathartic?” Tyler interrupts him.

“Exactly! I will bring a journal to you tomorrow okay? The Therapist says with a smile, “as long as you promise to use it.”

A feeling of excitement suddenly overcomes Tyler. The walls are turning red but a good red. A happy red. Almost… ruby. He used to write all the time before the accident. It helped him a lot. It was, as The Therapist would put it, cathartic. However, after everything happened he seemed to have lost the will to create. The most artistic thing he does now is play the piano but it doesn’t give him the same sense of relief that writing once did.

“I promise.” Tyler replies, the walls turning back to their normal green brown color.

“Alrighty then. Well, if you feel okay you may go but if you want to talk…”

Tyler is already at the door before The Therapist can finish his sentence but he stops before he reaches for the handle and turns around.

“Can the journal be red?” He asks in a hopeful tone.

“Of course. I wouldn’t dream of getting any other color for you.”

Tyler smiles slightly then slips from the room.

***

Once again Tyler stands frozen in the hallway in front of the third door on the left. He takes a deep breath and enters the room.

“Breathe Tyler.” He reminds himself out loud.

He sits down at the piano he had been playing since the day he got there. He had his own piano at home as well. He had taught himself to play it one day when he was twelve. Slowly Tyler’s fingers begin to play a familiar tune. A song he called Addict With A Pen. One of the last songs Tyler wrote before everything happened. Tyler sings the song with the same amount of emotion one would use if they were performing in front of an audience. He finishes and to his surprise hears someone clapping behind him. Tyler’s face flushes with embarrassment as he turns to see Josh standing there in the doorway. Tyler mentally kicks himself for forgetting to shut the door behind him before he started to play.

“That was…” Josh begins.

“Awful I know,” Tyler says avoiding eye contact with the red boy, “you weren’t supposed to hear it. No one was.”

Tyler stands quickly prepared to leave the music room but Josh’s body blocks his exit.

“No it was incredible Tyler.”

Tyler looks up in shock. “What?” He asks certain he misheard Josh.

“It was… it was amazing! The amount of passion and energy you put into it! Did you write that?”

“Sort of.” Tyler replies sheepishly.

“Wow, you have a real talent there, you should do something with it, be a musician or something.” Josh says enthusiastically.

“I don’t think that’s what I want to be.” Tyler responds shutting down the idea right away.

“Well what do you want to be.” The red boy asks a web of curiosity tangled in his voice.

“Happy.”

Josh smiles sympathetically but says nothing. The silence clings to the air and Tyler can feel his anxiety start to suffocate him. Two hands wrap themselves around his neck squeezing tighter and tighter until his lungs feel as though they are on fire. Suddenly Josh leans down close to Tyler’s ear and the rest of the oxygen in his lungs seems to disappear altogether.

“Happiness is fleeting Tyler.” He whispers before walking out of the room and leaving Tyler alone, once again, gasping for air.

***

Tyler sits on the floor of his room. He is crying. Shaking. Devoured by his own thoughts. He is nothing. Nothing. Tyler is nothing but doubt. And fear. And mistakes. He can not close his eyes. He cannot sleep. If he sleeps it becomes real again. The images in his head.

_DO NOT SLEEP. DO NOT FALL ASLEEP. IT IS NOT REAL. NOT REAL._

Tyler gnaws on the flesh of his fingers. Ripping. Prying off the skin. The images in his head become so vivid Tyler can barely take it.

Car brakes screeching.

_Distraction. Stay distracted. Stay awake. Alive. DO NOT GO TO SLEEP._

Every one is screaming.

_Distract distract distract distract distract._

The mother is crying.

_Not real this isn’t real stop THINKING STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP._

Your brother is dead.

Tyler bangs his fists against the floorboard until his knuckles are cut open and bleeding onto his thighs. He must have been louder than he thought because suddenly he hears a faint knocking on the door. He heaves himself off the ground and walks across the room in a daze. When he opens the door he sees Josh standing there biting off the already torn nail of his thumb. Before Tyler can say anything Josh pushes past him and sits on Tyler’s bed. Tyler hovers near the open door for a few seconds before shutting it quietly and making his way over to Josh.

“Hi.” Tyler says timidly.

“Your knuckles are bleeding.” Josh says like Tyler isn’t aware of the state of his own idle hands.

“Yeah.” Tyler responds.

“You’ve been crying too.”

Tyler looks over at himself in the mirror. He had to admit he did look terrible and it was pretty obvious he was previously having a mental breakdown.

“Poor little blue boy,” Josh says so quietly that Tyler almost doesn’t catch it, “so blue the ocean drowns inside of you.”

“Are you okay Josh?”

Josh laughs, “No Tyler… no I’m not okay.”

“Well what’s wrong? Tyler asks.

“I’m red Tyler. So red I can feel it changing the colors of my veins. So red the only way to calm down is to be with someone…” He pauses and looks up at Tyler so intently that Tyler is instantly overcome with a feeling of vulnerability, “someone blue.” He finishes looking back down at his hands.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“I just want to be around you for a little bit.”

“Oh um okay.”

Josh closes his eyes and Tyler awkwardly shifts back and forth on his feet for awhile as he watches Josh. He can’t seem to look away. Josh’s ruby red hair and mouth and….nails.

“You’re nails are painted.” Tyler says before he can stop himself.

Josh opens his eyes and smiles softly while looking at his ruby red nails.

“Yeah they are,” Josh replies suddenly making eye contact, “do you like them?”

“Yes.” Tyler says immediately.

“I could paint yours if you want.”

A feeling of excitement overcomes Tyler and he smiles so wide his mouth just about falls off of his face.

“You would really do that?” Tyler asks.

“Of course Tyler.”

Josh stands up and begins walking towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Tyler says with confusion in his voice.

“To my room,” Josh replies as if it is obvious, “where the nail polishes are.”

“You want to do it tonight? What if we get caught?”

“I came to your room without getting caught,” Josh says, “I leave my room all the time it’s no big deal.”

“I don’t know Josh…I really don’t want to get in trouble.”

Josh rolls his eyes and begins slowly opening the door.

“Come or don’t Blue Boy I couldn’t care less.”

Tyler plays with the strings of his sweatshirt for a second but quickly follows Josh into the hallway. Josh grabs Tyler’s hand and begins leading him towards his room and suddenly the butterflies in Tyler’s stomach are back. Once inside Tyler releases the breath he didn’t even realize he was holding. Josh places a towel on the floor and Tyler pretends not to notice the little droplets of blood on the side.

“Sit down.” Josh orders Tyler.

Tyler sits opposite from Josh and places his left hand on the towel. Josh gently lifts Tyler’s hand and places it on his thigh. He picks up a royal blue bottle of nail polish.

“Could they possibly be red?”

Josh looks up at Tyler with a blank expression.

“No,” Josh says loudly, “No you're blue. I’m red and you’re blue.”

“I just thought maybe…” Tyler begins.

“NO NO NO NO NO, Josh yells jumping up onto his feet and knocking over the bottle of royal blue nail polish in the process, “You can’t be red! You HAVE to be blue!

Tyler sits frozen in place as he watches Josh pace back and forth. His eyes are red and his ruby hair is so bright it hurts Tyler’s eyes but he can’t bring himself to look away. Almost like looking at a car acci… Tyler shakes his head violently at the thought. Everything becomes red and flaming and it’s too much it’s all too much. Tyler quickly stands up and begins slowly walking backwards towards the door as Josh collapses onto his bed. The red around him turns back into it’s usual calming ruby color and Tyler debates whether he should still leave or not.

“You can go.” Josh says without turning towards him.

“Do you want me to?” Tyler asks carefully.

Josh doesn’t say anything for awhile and Tyler assumes the silence is a yes.

“No.” Josh says quietly before Tyler opens the door.

Tyler turns around to see Josh looking at him with puppy dog eyes and tear stained cheeks. He walks over towards the bed, sits down, and wipes off Josh’s tears with his thumb. For awhile they sit there staring at each other until suddenly Josh leans in, pushing his ruby red lips against Tyler’s. Tyler smiles into the kiss and opens his eyes to see the butterflies he felt in his stomach earlier fluttering above their heads. They continue kissing for awhile before Josh pulls away, still resting his right hand on Tyler’s cheek.

“I knew it.” Josh says.

“Knew what?’ Asks Tyler.

“I knew I could use you,” Josh smiles, “if i’m with you maybe I’ll stop feeling so angry. So detached. So…” he pauses, “so red.”

Josh lays his head in Tyler’s lap. They don’t talk for awhile as Tyler runs his fingers through Josh’s pretty hair and listens to his breathing. He feels Josh’s chest rising and falling against his thigh and Tyler thinks for once he might actually feel at peace.

“How would you kill yourself? Josh says suddenly breaking the silence and snapping Tyler away from his peaceful bliss, “I mean if you were going to.”

“That’s a pretty morbid question Josh.”

“I would jump off a building,” Josh says, unaware that Tyler hasn’t answered his question, “falling through the air seems very calming to me. Calm before the storm right?” Josh asks with a laugh.

Tyler says nothing but instead continues playing with Josh’s hair as he tries his best to block out the gruesome image that is seeping slowly into his mind.

***

For the next month Tyler and Josh spend almost all of their time together. Whenever Josh loses his temper Tyler seems to be the only thing that can calm him down. He constantly tells Tyler he just needs someone blue to balance him out and Tyler thinks this must mean they are meant to be. They even begin playing music together in the music room and Tyler doesn’t feel anxious when Josh touches his things. Even Tyler’s red journal which is filling up with more and more songs everyday. His hallucinations begin to stop almost altogether over these few weeks as well. Tyler is doing so well that The Therapist even brings up the idea of starting an outpatient treatment, which to Tyler is a very exciting concept but to Josh.. well… not so much.

“You’re leaving me.” Josh states without looking at Tyler.

“I’m not leaving you Josh, Tyler says gently, “I’ll visit you everyday.

“WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I NEED YOU? I NEED YOU AND YOU’RE LEAVING ME. IT’S TOO RED TYLER. EVERYTHING IS TOO FUCKING RED AND I WON’T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE IF YOU LEAVE.

“Josh…” Tyler begins.

“NO! Josh exclaims before pushing past Tyler and leaving the room.

Tyler sits on his bed for awhile, exhausted from Josh’s frequent outbursts. He takes a deep breath in and out before getting up and walking towards the door. The hallway is empty besides one girl with jet-black hair focusing intently on an adult coloring book.

“Excuse me.” Tyler says.

The girl’s head snaps up quickly obviously taken aback by Tyler’s presence.

“Sorry,” Tyler begins, “I didn’t mean to startle you. I was just wondering if you saw where the boy with ruby red hair went. He left my room a few seconds ago.”

“Oh yeah he went that way,” she says pointing down the hall, “he seemed pretty out of it though, rambling about a blue boy and something about jumping I think.”

“Jumping?” Tyler says loudly causing the girl to drop the the red colored pencil in her hand. “Did you say he said something about jumping?”

“Yeah I think so why?”

Tyler watches as the red colored pencil starts to roll of the desk onto the floor. It leaves a trail of ruby red blood and Tyler shakes his head to get it to go away but it is still there. There is blood on the desk and the floor and even the girl. Tyler backs away quickly holding his chest as he struggles to breath. He looks down at his hands to find that they are covered in blood as well.

“Are you okay?” The girl asks standing up and walking towards him.

Tyler backs out of her reach and begins running towards the stairs as the girl worriedly calls after him. He reaches the top floor, one large conference-like room, to see a ruby red haired boy standing on the ledge outside of the windowsill.

“Josh!” Tyler yells desperately as he runs towards him, “Josh please don’t do this.”

Josh turns around and Tyler is a taken aback by how dead his eyes are, like all of the hope as been drained from them, like he is already gone.

“I… Josh… I love you.” Tyler chokes out.

The room is eerily quiet as Josh stares down at Tyler from the windowsill ledge.

“Oh silly boy,” Josh laughs manically, “you silly stupid boy.”

He leans down from the window sill and Tyler wants to pull him inside but he cannot move. He cannot think. He cannot breathe. Josh leans in so close to Tyler’s ear he can feel the warmth of Josh’s breath on his neck.

“You see I could never love you Tyler. I could never love a silly stupid blue boy like you.”

Josh stands back up on the ledge but all Tyler can see is the windows shattering all around him. Shards of glass are in his arms and legs and even his mouth. With every swallow they cut up his insides until he is filled completely with glass. He, himself, now a cracking window. Fragile. Damaged. Irreparable.

_Silly boy. Silly stupid blue boy._

He looks up to see that Josh is facing away from him again looking down at the street below.

“You’ll never be happy Tyler,” Josh says still not looking at him, “not as long as you’re still alive. You see the world doesn’t like people whose colors are too bright. Too far down on the spectrum. I am too red and you are too blue but maybe by dying we’ll find happiness too.”

Josh pushes forward off the ledge and Tyler can do nothing but listen as the pavement cracks all of his pretty brittle bones.

***

Three Days Later.

Tyler wanders to a red room three doors down on the left side. His feet are tv static sounds. His eyes a low tide current. In his hand are a bottle of tiny pills, the color of daytime skies, the parts of the ocean where the sun hits, bathtubs before red. Tyler forms a name with the pills. A name that used to feel like velvet and soft ruby lips but now is the sound of razor blades, slipping off high buildings, and hard ruby eyes. One by one he swallows the pills until the name is gone. Chills dance down his spine, a bitter coffee taste swirls around his tongue and slides down his throat. When he is done he wanders over to his piano. Moving his fingers across the board he presses down on the lowest B key then jumps up.

Tyler lies down on top of his piano and closes his eyes. Black hands pull him into himself. Knives are in his abdomen. The taste of metal coats his tongue. He does not cry out in pain. A familiar beat fills the air. Tyler opens his eyes to see a boy with ruby red hair lightly playing the drums. He stops suddenly a smile forming on his lips. He turns to Tyler slowly, his eyes turning a deep dark red, and whispers the words

"Are you happy yet?"

Then everything goes black.


End file.
